What You Need

Aunt Loretta...literally gave all
she could and then some.

This morning I found myself sitting in a church pew trying to share about my recently passed Aunt Loretta to my younger two children. They had met her a few times, mostly when they were younger, but physical distance and time trickled by without them getting to know her. The collages of pictures gave a visual, but I was trying to capture the essence of who she was.

I filled them in on all we did with her as kids. Christmases at her house a pile of presents awaited you and you were allowed to eat all the cookies you wanted. She took us to wander down Santa Claus Lane, looking at toys and decorated Christmas trees at Kraynaks every year as well...we always left with a bag of candy in hand. The circus, sleep overs, games, and all the pop and TV you could want. The time and attention she gave...when you were with her you knew you were loved. 

And as I'm sharing my memories of my aunt with my kids, I hear myself say, "She was more like our grandma than our aunt." 

Here's the thing...my paternal grandparents, born in the early 1900's, passed away within two years of each other in the early 80s, both gone by the time I was four. Growing up I always felt it wasn't fair to not have the opportunity to know them, as our older cousins all did. Seeing pictures and hearing stories, I always felt my sister, brother, and I had missed out.

Sitting in that church pew I realized - or maybe re-realized something - in a very real way. God doesn't always give you what you want, but he always gives you what you need. If I needed a grandma growing up, God had it covered - my Aunt Loretta was it. She was a grandmother to my siblings and me in every way. And for the first time I felt a genuine peace about missing out on my grandparents.

So if you're feeling this way - that someone or something isn't in your life as should be, a sense of loss or missing - stop and pray for eyes to see and ears to hear. Clarity to see that God will/has provide(d) all you need, not only in Him, but also in other ways and people around you. We just need to continue to hand it over to Him, be expectant, and have eyes that see and ears that hear His provision in our lives. 

Divine Direction - A Review

Source: Goodreads

Divine Direction: 7 Decisions That Will Change Your Life by Craig Groeschel
My rating: 5 of 5 stars
I received this egalley from the publisher via NetGalley for consideration of a review.

Divine Direction by Craig Groeschel is perfect encouragement for those facing a hard season or those who have hard changes facing them. The book is based on the premise that, "Direction, not intention, determines destination." Every choice you actually carry out is what determines the direction your life heads in. And that's an accumulation of the numerous small choices more than the fewer big ones.

Groeschel asks us to consider a few things in determining our direction - all are based on God's plan for our lives. First, is there something you need to stop doing? "What are you doing today that’s not good for your story? Do you have some habit, a mindset, an addiction, an attitude, a thought process, something in your life that’s hijacking the story you want to tell?" You need to make the decision and take the steps - one at a time - to stop that thing and change your direction.

Is God calling you to go or to start something? Usually if God is calling us to something, it feels a little out of our league. Groeschel points out that "Maybe you’re thinking, I just don’t think I have that kind of faith. I for sure don’t have the faith to finish something like what he’s calling me to. Then I have great news for you: you don’t have to have the faith to finish; you only have to have enough faith to start. You need only enough faith for one step: that very first one." One step at a time is all it takes to move forward and God takes care of the rest. And God will even give the strength to make that one step at a time.

And possibly, is God calling you to stay where you are - stick it out? It could be a job you dislike, a difficult relationship, a project God called you to but has become harder than you thought, etc. It would be so easy and a relief to just leave the circumstance, but in staying, "After some time has passed, maybe you’ll be looking back, reflecting on your story, and you’ll realize that even though you didn’t know it at the time, God was using that very thing that you hated to rewire you, to change you, to transform your life." Being called to stay can bring about change as much as being called to go.

Listening to God's call to Start, Stop, Stay, and/or Go is the key. Groeschel also discusses his own life examples to these points and more, including how he and others have drawn near to God to hear from Him. Packed full of great advice, points, and reasoning, Craig Groeschel's Divine Direction brings the perfect mix of encouragement to face the giant at hand in your life.

Small Beginnings

So I used a chainsaw today. It wasn't planned ahead. My husband and I had dropped off furniture to a friend's parents, had brunch, and pulled into our driveway talking about chopping leaves with the mower and the homework I still had to finish. Maybe it was the homework talking, I don't know, but looking into the backyard I said, "I want to cut down a tree."

Our yard is bordered along one side and in the back by a farm. All that separates us from the animals in the pasture (usually horses right out back) is a simple electric fence and a swatch of mostly dead trees, vines, high grass, and brush. In other words, a mess. And I had the sudden urge to take a chainsaw to the mess, creating a beautiful view of the horses.


Easier said than done. Once we got to it, we found that a lot of the tangled mess had briars and needed removed first to even get to the trees. A cut tree didn't necessarily fall because it was held up by the others around it. And under all those briars, high grass, and brush, lay plenty of heavy, already fallen trees that needed chopped up and removed. And once anything was uprooted, it took a bit of work to chop it all up and discard it to the woodpile or fire pit. In the end, of the whole expanse of the backyard, we invested four hours and had one tiny cleared corner to show for it...and that was just the trees!

Easier said than done...isn't that how it usually is? But does that make it not worth starting? Zechariah 4:10 (NLT) says, "Do not despise these small beginnings, for the Lord rejoices to see the work begin..." Think back to anything you've accomplished. Now, where or how did it start? To begin my current eighteen year journey of motherhood, it took nine long months and seventeen painful hours that seemed they would never end. My current place in a PhD program required that first step onto a college campus as a 17-year-old undergrad, twenty years ago. Our wonderful, dream, blessing of a house was a gutted, unlivable, foreclosed mess just over a year ago, that took four months of sweat and tears (literally both of those) to make it HOME for the rest of our lives to come.

And God nudges me in the observance of that small, cleared corner, "Isn't it the same with your heart?" He reminds me of my discoveries of my own heart - a mess much like what lies at the back of my yard. Things have died and fallen and rotted, and other stuff has grown over top and feeds from the decay below. A mix of briars holds it all solidly in place. Slowly He's revealed the top layer; but, much like the dead, fallen trees under the brush, with one layer revealed and removed, another is discovered. It's a convoluted mess in there, no earthly light at the end of this tunnel.

The line of dead vegetation extends down the length of my yard. Four hours. One small corner. Is the beginning too small? Is my time wasted? A horse comes to the water bucket...I can now see her approach and watch her drink from my house because the entire corner is clear of debris. And the answer comes to me, "God will make this happen, for he who calls you is faithful" (1 Thessalonians 5:24).

Where was your heart this time last year? Three years ago? Five? Ten? Twenty? Twenty years ago I was an 18-year-old kid living for myself and facing the consequences. Ten years ago, I was a mom of three little kids, surviving the days as they came, but doing all I could, slowly building that relationship with God seriously for the first time. Five years ago, my heart had been flipped upside down with a realigned identity, deliverance, and new God perspective. Three years ago, my heart was on the verge of hearing and seeing God like never before. Almost exactly this time last year, God gave me a small glimpse of a future calling. A small beginning twenty years ago has led me to this point and now a new small beginning starts.

The fact of the matter is, we cannot effectively head into our futures and the callings God has for us without His refining fire. Change is hard and often painful, but He brings it in the best timing and for the best purpose. We wield our chainsaws (kinda like a modernized Sword of the Spirit, right? ) and trust that He who began a good work in us will be faithful to see it finished (Philippians 1:6). That mess? God will take the small beginning you offer up in obedience, and He will help you clear it away. Before you know it, time will have passed and you will stand gazing in wonder at the beautiful view of the horses.

Do not despise small beginnings, for the Lord rejoices to see the work begin...and so should we.

Live in the Plural

Source: Crown and Cove

A couple weekends ago I had a number of bad days in a row. Two errant thoughts/feelings from the week grew inside my head on Thursday, torturing me as I focused on them. So when Friday came around and work I'd done for my classes needed redone through no fault of my own I sank further into the pit. That Saturday brought hours of wasted time, as I worked on a PhD project using the wrong topic...initially missing the side note I'd added in class that week to clarify the requirements. I would have to start all over. By dinnertime on that Saturday I realized I hadn't really been in touch with anyone outside of my immediate family for three days. And even at home, I'd hidden away to avoid anything but my misery. And I thought, bad days happen, but what could I have done to avoid going on for days in misery and withdrawal?

I'm big on transparency and learning from each other - even if it's just among a small gathering or a few friends. So, on our FB group page, I asked the ladies of my church for their input on the following situation: "You know those times you've held it together through a few things gone wrong in a few days' time, but then there's one more thing that goes wrong and it's one thing too many. And really crying - or at least throwing a fit - seems like the best option. But the problems are still there afterward...So where do you go from there? What are the things you think, read, say, and do that help you get back on track?" Myself and a few ladies responded with the following:

• Sometimes when we hit a bad day or thing we think we'll just push through and don't know there is possibly more [bad days or bad things] to come. So it's best to pray and be still about a "bad" day or situation immediately. Sometimes it's just that one thing that makes the rest look as bad as they do...and sometimes that first thing isn't even as bad as we think in the moment. Being still before God realigns us.

• We tend to push ourselves to hold it together and then we really lose it. Attitude is the first thing to go! Try to recognize what is happening and do some positive self talk to deal with it and not let it build up.

• It builds up because we try to keep everything in. We need to talk about what's going on out loud and get it all out and rest.

• After throwing a fit - cause sometimes that just happens - say out loud "Ok Lord, I can't fix this alone so you need to help me." Acknowledging out loud that we can't fix the issue and giving it to God then and there is needed because we know we can't fix it, but hold onto the possibility that we can anyway.

These make sense and I see the use of all of them, so I wanted to share the collective wisdom of my friends in helping to relieve bad days and situations that get out of control. While I've collected their advice and pondered the way "bad days" get out of control in the couple weeks since my bad weekend, I came across another amazing help in such situations - this one more of a prevention than a cure. This past weekend I attended Ohio Ministry Network's Time Apart (a women's conference) in Columbus, Ohio. We had an amazing speaker on Saturday, Dr. Alicia Britt Chole, who spoke from her various writings, among them newly published The Sacred Slow. She and her husband have spent thirty years mentoring people in growing deeper roots in their walk with God. And her final point of the afternoon on Saturday hit home for me on this topic I'd been writing and thinking upon.

Her last point was simply titled "Live in the Plural." She says that when it comes to self-talk (conversations we have with ourselves - about ourselves - in our heads), we need to shift from thinking "I" to "we." In theological reality, we are never alone. We say that God is always with us; therefore, it is never an "I" who is doing and thinking, but a "we" - Jesus and I. Dr. Chole states that, "Every moment of every day is a moment to abide in Jesus. You need to think and live as we - 'Jesus and I.'"

Her point in this is that such thinking will affect how you talk about yourself and others when Jesus is involved. We may not have a problem looking in the mirror and saying, "I look so ugly today." But, as believers, if we are thinking and living in the plural, we find it difficult to say, "Jesus and I look so ugly today." We have no problem looking at others and thinking, "What is her problem?" But if we are thinking in the plural, it becomes more difficult to criticize by thinking, "What is her and Jesus' problem?"

That weekend when I realized I'd have to redo my work I was thinking, "My time is wasted and I don't know how I'll find time to redo it." If my mindset had been "we," the thought would have been, "Mine and Jesus' time is wasted and I don't know how either Jesus or I will find the time redo it." And at that moment, it would've all turned around before getting out of control. I mean really, is Jesus' time ever wasted and is it impossible for Jesus to find the time to redo something? Thinking in the plural in that moment would've turned me to Jesus immediately, lifting up my problem and moving on. (As it turns out, on Monday I had an idea to fix my problem and a co-worker in charge of the new program helped me fit my work into the new format required. No real extra work or time required. All that fret and the following days of misery for nothing?)

Live in the plural! Jesus is always with you and so nothing you think, do, or say is on your own. Placing Jesus directly alongside you in your every thought, word, and deed is a good way to do as His Word says in Romans 12:2 to "be transformed by the renewing of your mind." Cures are good, they are needed, but isn't prevention the best course to take when we can?!

Old Things New

Brandon and I this year,at the 171st 
Canfield Fair. Every year I feel it's probably
romantic to ride the Ferris Wheel together...
and every year after getting on I realize I hate
the Ferris Wheel and swear not to ride it again.

Two years ago, my husband and I went to the 169th Annual Canfield Fair, a local fair that has been going on for, well at that point, 169 years. It's the full deal: good food that's oh so bad for you; rickety rides; rip-off games; farm animal shows and competitions; craft competitions; tractor displays; demolition derby; Grand Stand concerts; and pony rides. I'm sure I've missed something, but you get the idea.

Fair time has meant "date" time for us the past couple years.

This fair has obviously been running my whole life and is a stalwart tradition in the lives of just about everyone in the area - even after people move away, they often come back for the fair. Two years ago was the first time my husband and I had been to the fair without our kids. At that time they were 16, 14, and 10 1/2 and had gone with friends at different times instead. I remember the day well because it was my birthday too and we had fun, but it was also the beginning of a transition for us - a time when family outings no longer meant all five of us. And as most transitions are, it was a little bit sad.

This year, two years later, I debated going to the fair because unexpected expenses had come along during the summer and my school work had already piled up, but when my son wanted to go I took heed of the check in my spirit that said, "Remember last time? Who knows if you'll ever go with your kids again, if not now." Indeed, both of our daughters had already gone with friends on different days. So my husband and I headed off with him on the last day of the fair.

Not even 100 feet inside the gate, my son's friends come walking along and he announces they're going to go "hang out." We give him some money and he heads off to the barns where his friends keep their animals...because what can you say to a twelve-year-old boy whose whole excitement of life is wrapped up in this moment of a couple of hours with friends in a place of independence that makes him feel like a man (even if a little one, at that).

As he walks away I realize this was planned and I realize the disappointment of losing the time I thought we'd have with him that day. Also, that it seems my sacrifice of time and money (spent on my husband and me to be there) wasn't even necessary. My husband and I exchange little laughs about the situation and head off to run the route of the fair we run every year - first up, the Baby Animal Barn, known for its petting zoo appeal.

We walk in, petting the animals that look friendly enough to pet, until I come across a peacock. He's sitting with his fan-like tail closed, but thrust behind him in all its smooth perfection and color. And I can't help but stop and stare...and snap a picture between the links of the fence. He's amazing. Yet, it's weird - it's not like I've never seen a peacock before - but in that moment I am somewhat awestruck. It's a funny thing about life - that the everyday events, things, and people of life can one day change before your eyes. Or maybe it's not that they change, but you do. 

Walking to the end of the lane, with a little duck cradled in my hands, I recall the Sunday a few weeks before where I had my head bowed throughout the beginning of worship and when I looked up it was as if I'd pulled my head out of a hole and suddenly certain people stood out to me and things looked different - more clear. Life had changed drastically in my own head that week before and I knew this was a sign that I would have to change the way I carried myself in that new knowledge. Knew right then and there that letting go of my previous focuses would be difficult and even painful, but that the change must happen to fulfill the purpose God calls all believers to.

Perhaps, this too is part of it? If I am a new creation, if a stirring change takes place and continues to grow, then doesn't it follow that my perspective shift will see old things as new? Everything we saw that day was wondrous to me. We even came across a floral barn, where people had entered single flowers they'd grown themselves for competition - a mass of perfection in color and design. I don't recall ever seeing it before. How had I not known or remembered this was here? I love doing landscaping!

We pet every horse we saw, fed them straw, laughed at the silly ducks, and smiled at the wily and cuddly goats. We walked through almost every single display barn - packed with the goodness of the talents and abilities of the people of our home. We sat on a bench with our fair food and continued to sit long after, watching people walk by. And the presence of life was awe inspiring. And to think I almost missed it, all because I'd allowed my focus to shift back to the old - the worry of the day instead of its possible glory. Lord, continue to give us eyes and ears that recognize your glory and are awestruck in the moments you give.

Birthday Love

I'd say, especially yourself!
Source: Instagram @david.c.cook

"Our decisions, our relationships, and our preferences in large part stem from what we say to ourselves about ourselves." Ruth Graham

And what is it you have said to yourself about yourself ? 

I'm not enough, smart enough, able enough, good enough...

I'm not loved, understood, wanted, needed...

I don't measure up, understand, have what it takes...

I can't get it right, be what others need me to be, do what I should...

I am alone, too different, too intense/shy...

I've never made a big deal about my birthday and it hit me this birthday why not. Because of the things I've said to myself about myself over the years. The list above probably looks familiar - most of us have felt or thought similar things about ourselves at some point - but I've thought some of these things on a regular basis for most of my adult life. I allowed the results of wrong decisions I made as an 18-year-old dictate everything I thought I knew about myself for the twenty years that followed. 

In her book Me, Myself & Lies: What To Say When You Talk To Yourself, Jennifer Rothschild states that, "The words we say go straight to the core of our being. They shape the way we think about ourselves. They influence our emotions and our decisions. They resurface in our conversations with other people. They can spur us on to live meaningful, productive lives, or they can make us not even want to get out of bed!" The sentiment is biblically based too - Proverbs 23:7 states, "For as he thinks within himself, so he is" (NASB). I had basically convinced myself at some point that I wasn't worthy of celebration. 

The more I've thought about it, the more convinced I am that this has gone beyond birthday celebrations though and I've found myself in a weird middle ground. I try to work behind the scenes or within a comfortable group of people. Yet, at the same time, I have little fear of speaking up and speaking out and who doesn't like the chance to do big things and be recognized here and there? I believe there is a disconnect between what I am able to do and what I am comfortable doing because of the way I've spoken negatively to myself over the years. I long to charge forward in a big way,  but only after I'm sure no one's looking. I've stalled my own boat, so to speak. The car is in gear, but I'm riding the brakes.

But this year things have changed. I feel differently than I have before about all kinds of things - especially myself. My time spent in God's Word, prayer, personal Bible studies, etc., has slowly reshaped my thought process. I'm stepping into leadership positions and making dreams come true, as well as stepping out of old mindsets and comfort zones - picking it all up as it comes with prayer and without overthinking. God gave me a verse at the beginning of 2017 that has come back to me on numerous occasions: "...I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well" Psalm 139:14 (Click here for more about this). I've seen more and more that I am how God intended me to be, so I need to learn to accept me and use what I've been given to make this life effective for Him. Otherwise, I'm wasting precious time and opportunities not standing by those whom I would be involved with if I weren't so busy holding myself down.

It has come about slowly, but I think it's picking up speed...this ability to love and accept myself. I've noticed in the past couple years even I've felt excited for my birthday, even though I didn't always make plans or spend it in any special way. I figure between this year and next, that gives me two years to get myself prepared for a super 40th birthday celebration! I will also (hopefully) be very close to finishing my PhD at that point and just months away from my 20th wedding anniversary, so I'm telling my husband and friends I have big expectations for "specialness" to happen!

But for now, do me a favor...look yourself in the eye in the mirror today, smile big, and say, "I am fearfully and wonderfully made; His works are wonderful. I am who I am because He has a plan that gives me a purpose. And I can love myself because He loves me, as I am, more than enough."

Then go into your day in strength of His promise. 

My Whole Being Waits

source: Instagram @elizabethlaingthompson

Hey everyone! I hope whatever this week has brought you, that above all your eyes have stayed on Jesus. It's been a weird week. The week began and continued to be bittersweet and filled with tears over our friends, the Bowers, moving to SC. I was able to keep it together with them all evening Wednesday at church (their last evening with us), until we drove away and it became very real to me that we would no longer see them as we please. What can you do with the kind of hurt that wells up as a physical ache in your chest?

This was also the first week back to school for me and with some new things in place for teachers and a new grade level for me to convert to our use of technology throughout the year, it crushed me. I've worked nonstop from the moment I walked into the building until the moment I've left. (Yesterday I made myself eat lunch without working and today took lunch to talk with all of you.) I napped after school the first two days and sat like a lump yesterday evening. My Kent classes start next week and I just wonder how I'll find the self-motivation and energy to make it through the next 39 weeks. 

And then there's just life in my head. What I know God has for me to do now, what I think is in process, and what I wonder it is all leading to in the future. And as my thoughts jumble over each other at any given time, my emotions begin to frustrate as well and I can feel them trying to take me down. My attitude changes in my head and in moments I become petty and even snippy with those around me. Even when it's good stuff, too many thoughts in too many places is overwhelming.

But today ladies, today I awoke to a reminder in Psalms 130:5 "I wait for the Lord, my whole being waits, and in his word I put my hope." In reading the Word daily, in staying in prayer, in worshiping, in weekly fasting, in surrounding ourselves with a Christian support system, we wait - or remain - in Jesus and we find our hope. A friend recently gave me advice in a hard moment to take it one day at a time, don't look so far ahead. And now I add to it that not only does one day at a time take away the overwhelming aspect, but in taking it one day at a time, we can better wait on the Lord. 

And suddenly my week looks differently. The bittersweet tears over the Bowers's departure becomes somewhat momentary in the fact that future visits are already planned and technology will keep my family and I in touch with them as always. And I'm reminded of the blessing just to have them in my life and to keep in touch so easily.

I realized this morning that I've hit very few snags in my work at school this week - technology has cooperated and free trials of programs and apps have allowed me to transfer from old technology to new as easy as can be (there's just a lot to transfer). I have SO much done in preparation for the next month. So much done during work hours that I didn't have to take much work home and the naps, laying around, and time with my family didn't mean other work was going undone. I came to work today feeling ready to go in the days to come. And my Kent classes? Two semesters of actual classes left - there's a light at the end of the tunnel and the fact that I managed it last year. One day at a time.

And my thoughts...the redirection in other matters has redirected my thoughts as well. I am content with now. Do what God has for now - spend time where and with whom God says, speak and write as God leads, do the best in the roles which God has currently ordained. Record away the upcoming he has given for later reference and don't worry about months and years in advance. If I can't wait in and live in and learn from NOW, God's future plans for me are delayed anyway and I'm left in a longer wait than even He intended. 

Being present where God has you now - especially if it's a season of waiting or transition season - is the only way to be. Wait in him and you will find your hope. And that hope will alter your perspective in all that goes on around you.