Guest Post: How to Interact with Teenagers in a Totally Awesome Way

Changing it up with a guest post on the blog today. My co-worker Sam recently started a humor blog called Delusions of Pretension, so I thought I'd humor him (haha) with a guest post opportunity. The man is truly comic relief in most every situation and his students and co-workers enjoy his wit. Work would truly be dull without him. So without further ado...

If you talk to anyone who’s met me, every single person will tell you how mind-blowingly humble I am.  Never once in my life have I felt the need to highlight my enviable personality or how my mere presence rejuvenates stagnant social gatherings.  Some people are the life of the party; I am the Party (like in 1984, except awesome).  I fondly remember going to a birthday party for a 100-year-old cousin of mine.  Her doctor had informed her that she would probably have a good five years to go.  After I went to her birthday party, she’s lived to be 120, and she’s still not dead.  

Being the literal life of the party is great and all, but I often feel that I’m doing the world a great disservice by not sharing all of the life-changing insight I’ve stored in my brain with as many people as possible.  Weaker minds call me an egotist or a narcissist, but that doesn’t bother me; after all, one cannot feel hatred towards the shamefully uneducated--only pure, disdainful pity.

One of my many gifts is my godly socializing ability.  Babies stop crying for weeks after interacting with me, even when they’re hungry.  Why?  Because I’ve changed their lives so much their brains have transcended normal human emotion.  But since there are other people in the world besides babies, I really shouldn’t be greedy.  

Therefore, to further change the world, I’ve decided to address the idea of interacting with teenagers while being an adult.  Despite having been teenagers at one point, adults are embarrassingly bad at reading teenage social cues.  So, to enlighten those brave enough to admit that I know more than you do, I will detail the top five ways you can successfully interact with teenagers as an adult.

1. Learn their slang: While speaking with elevated vocabulary (or “lexicon,” as we intellectuals call it) is the best manner of speaking, it can get a bit stuffy at times.  After all, even I need a break from my daily mind-expanding exercises, so simplifying my language is one way to do this.  Teenagers love this, and you’ll connect with them on such a wonderful level that they’ll look up to you for decades.  But, since I know that examples are the best teachers, I will provide a perfect example:

Wrong
Teenager: Hey, how’s it going?
You: Pretty good

Right 
Teenager: Hey, how’s it going?
You: Yo man, I’m kickin’ back and chillin’.  Gotta send a few Tweets to my peeps and drop some love to my g/f.

Anyone who tells you that doesn’t work is Communist.  And if talking that way doesn’t work for you, that’s no surprise, because you’re a Communist and shouldn’t have employees anyway, you oppressive bourgeoisie scum.

2. Be Condescending: There is a common misconception that teenagers want to be treated like real people.  How this came about I have no idea, but it’s toxic, and it’ll ruin your soul, increase the world’s temperature, and make all yourfood taste bad.  To fix this problem, use simple words, speaking very slowly so they know you’re dumbing things down as much as humanly possible.  Be sure to indicate that you’re using small words because their brains are incapable of handling anything more complex.  You may notice that a lot of them will hate you for doing this, but just ignore them.  It’s only because they’re too proud to tell you how much they really appreciate it. 

3. Let Them Do Whatever They Want: Years ago, some idiot came up with the idea of “rules.” It didn’t take long for people to realize that rules only exist to be broken.  So, rather than waiting for teenagers to get to their 20s, let them know early on that there are no boundaries, and that all rules are bad and were probably created by Hitler.  Or Communists.

4. Don’t Let Them Do Anything: This may seem to contradict #3, and it does.  But it’s okay.  Adults are never consistent, so you have to make sure you live up to that idea.  After all, it’s not like you’re going to have a major impact on their lives, so don’t worry about being inconsistent.  Better for them to learn harsh truths young than to be even more disappointed when they get older.  And it’s hilarious when they try to figure out why you let them do nothing and everything at the same time.  The best tactic is to tell them it’s a Zen technique that will open their minds so much the universe will pour into them like sewage runoff.

5. Ignore Them at Critical Emotional Moments: Every now and then teenagers will want to tell you about their “problems.” Since none of their “problems” are important(or actual problems at all), responding to their complaintswill just feed the idea that everything is about them.  They might even say things like, “But I tried really hard to get a good grade but I still got a B,” “I’m feeling really sad since my boyfriend broke up with me,” and “It’s stuffy in the attic, please let me out.” These are all teenage mind tricks.  Ignoring such baseless sentiments will make them better people and ultimately make you the most important person in their lives.

I can guarantee that if you follow these five rules, you will sculpt teenagers’ minds in ways you never thought possible.  And if they turn out badly, it’s probably not your fault at all.