What You Need

Aunt Loretta...literally gave all
she could and then some.

This morning I found myself sitting in a church pew trying to share about my recently passed Aunt Loretta to my younger two children. They had met her a few times, mostly when they were younger, but physical distance and time trickled by without them getting to know her. The collages of pictures gave a visual, but I was trying to capture the essence of who she was.

I filled them in on all we did with her as kids. Christmases at her house a pile of presents awaited you and you were allowed to eat all the cookies you wanted. She took us to wander down Santa Claus Lane, looking at toys and decorated Christmas trees at Kraynaks every year as well...we always left with a bag of candy in hand. The circus, sleep overs, games, and all the pop and TV you could want. The time and attention she gave...when you were with her you knew you were loved. 

And as I'm sharing my memories of my aunt with my kids, I hear myself say, "She was more like our grandma than our aunt." 

Here's the thing...my paternal grandparents, born in the early 1900's, passed away within two years of each other in the early 80s, both gone by the time I was four. Growing up I always felt it wasn't fair to not have the opportunity to know them, as our older cousins all did. Seeing pictures and hearing stories, I always felt my sister, brother, and I had missed out.

Sitting in that church pew I realized - or maybe re-realized something - in a very real way. God doesn't always give you what you want, but he always gives you what you need. If I needed a grandma growing up, God had it covered - my Aunt Loretta was it. She was a grandmother to my siblings and me in every way. And for the first time I felt a genuine peace about missing out on my grandparents.

So if you're feeling this way - that someone or something isn't in your life as should be, a sense of loss or missing - stop and pray for eyes to see and ears to hear. Clarity to see that God will/has provide(d) all you need, not only in Him, but also in other ways and people around you. We just need to continue to hand it over to Him, be expectant, and have eyes that see and ears that hear His provision in our lives. 

Divine Direction - A Review

Source: Goodreads

Divine Direction: 7 Decisions That Will Change Your Life by Craig Groeschel
My rating: 5 of 5 stars
I received this egalley from the publisher via NetGalley for consideration of a review.

Divine Direction by Craig Groeschel is perfect encouragement for those facing a hard season or those who have hard changes facing them. The book is based on the premise that, "Direction, not intention, determines destination." Every choice you actually carry out is what determines the direction your life heads in. And that's an accumulation of the numerous small choices more than the fewer big ones.

Groeschel asks us to consider a few things in determining our direction - all are based on God's plan for our lives. First, is there something you need to stop doing? "What are you doing today that’s not good for your story? Do you have some habit, a mindset, an addiction, an attitude, a thought process, something in your life that’s hijacking the story you want to tell?" You need to make the decision and take the steps - one at a time - to stop that thing and change your direction.

Is God calling you to go or to start something? Usually if God is calling us to something, it feels a little out of our league. Groeschel points out that "Maybe you’re thinking, I just don’t think I have that kind of faith. I for sure don’t have the faith to finish something like what he’s calling me to. Then I have great news for you: you don’t have to have the faith to finish; you only have to have enough faith to start. You need only enough faith for one step: that very first one." One step at a time is all it takes to move forward and God takes care of the rest. And God will even give the strength to make that one step at a time.

And possibly, is God calling you to stay where you are - stick it out? It could be a job you dislike, a difficult relationship, a project God called you to but has become harder than you thought, etc. It would be so easy and a relief to just leave the circumstance, but in staying, "After some time has passed, maybe you’ll be looking back, reflecting on your story, and you’ll realize that even though you didn’t know it at the time, God was using that very thing that you hated to rewire you, to change you, to transform your life." Being called to stay can bring about change as much as being called to go.

Listening to God's call to Start, Stop, Stay, and/or Go is the key. Groeschel also discusses his own life examples to these points and more, including how he and others have drawn near to God to hear from Him. Packed full of great advice, points, and reasoning, Craig Groeschel's Divine Direction brings the perfect mix of encouragement to face the giant at hand in your life.

Small Beginnings

So I used a chainsaw today. It wasn't planned ahead. My husband and I had dropped off furniture to a friend's parents, had brunch, and pulled into our driveway talking about chopping leaves with the mower and the homework I still had to finish. Maybe it was the homework talking, I don't know, but looking into the backyard I said, "I want to cut down a tree."

Our yard is bordered along one side and in the back by a farm. All that separates us from the animals in the pasture (usually horses right out back) is a simple electric fence and a swatch of mostly dead trees, vines, high grass, and brush. In other words, a mess. And I had the sudden urge to take a chainsaw to the mess, creating a beautiful view of the horses.


Easier said than done. Once we got to it, we found that a lot of the tangled mess had briars and needed removed first to even get to the trees. A cut tree didn't necessarily fall because it was held up by the others around it. And under all those briars, high grass, and brush, lay plenty of heavy, already fallen trees that needed chopped up and removed. And once anything was uprooted, it took a bit of work to chop it all up and discard it to the woodpile or fire pit. In the end, of the whole expanse of the backyard, we invested four hours and had one tiny cleared corner to show for it...and that was just the trees!

Easier said than done...isn't that how it usually is? But does that make it not worth starting? Zechariah 4:10 (NLT) says, "Do not despise these small beginnings, for the Lord rejoices to see the work begin..." Think back to anything you've accomplished. Now, where or how did it start? To begin my current eighteen year journey of motherhood, it took nine long months and seventeen painful hours that seemed they would never end. My current place in a PhD program required that first step onto a college campus as a 17-year-old undergrad, twenty years ago. Our wonderful, dream, blessing of a house was a gutted, unlivable, foreclosed mess just over a year ago, that took four months of sweat and tears (literally both of those) to make it HOME for the rest of our lives to come.

And God nudges me in the observance of that small, cleared corner, "Isn't it the same with your heart?" He reminds me of my discoveries of my own heart - a mess much like what lies at the back of my yard. Things have died and fallen and rotted, and other stuff has grown over top and feeds from the decay below. A mix of briars holds it all solidly in place. Slowly He's revealed the top layer; but, much like the dead, fallen trees under the brush, with one layer revealed and removed, another is discovered. It's a convoluted mess in there, no earthly light at the end of this tunnel.

The line of dead vegetation extends down the length of my yard. Four hours. One small corner. Is the beginning too small? Is my time wasted? A horse comes to the water bucket...I can now see her approach and watch her drink from my house because the entire corner is clear of debris. And the answer comes to me, "God will make this happen, for he who calls you is faithful" (1 Thessalonians 5:24).

Where was your heart this time last year? Three years ago? Five? Ten? Twenty? Twenty years ago I was an 18-year-old kid living for myself and facing the consequences. Ten years ago, I was a mom of three little kids, surviving the days as they came, but doing all I could, slowly building that relationship with God seriously for the first time. Five years ago, my heart had been flipped upside down with a realigned identity, deliverance, and new God perspective. Three years ago, my heart was on the verge of hearing and seeing God like never before. Almost exactly this time last year, God gave me a small glimpse of a future calling. A small beginning twenty years ago has led me to this point and now a new small beginning starts.

The fact of the matter is, we cannot effectively head into our futures and the callings God has for us without His refining fire. Change is hard and often painful, but He brings it in the best timing and for the best purpose. We wield our chainsaws (kinda like a modernized Sword of the Spirit, right? ) and trust that He who began a good work in us will be faithful to see it finished (Philippians 1:6). That mess? God will take the small beginning you offer up in obedience, and He will help you clear it away. Before you know it, time will have passed and you will stand gazing in wonder at the beautiful view of the horses.

Do not despise small beginnings, for the Lord rejoices to see the work begin...and so should we.

Live in the Plural

Source: Crown and Cove

A couple weekends ago I had a number of bad days in a row. Two errant thoughts/feelings from the week grew inside my head on Thursday, torturing me as I focused on them. So when Friday came around and work I'd done for my classes needed redone through no fault of my own I sank further into the pit. That Saturday brought hours of wasted time, as I worked on a PhD project using the wrong topic...initially missing the side note I'd added in class that week to clarify the requirements. I would have to start all over. By dinnertime on that Saturday I realized I hadn't really been in touch with anyone outside of my immediate family for three days. And even at home, I'd hidden away to avoid anything but my misery. And I thought, bad days happen, but what could I have done to avoid going on for days in misery and withdrawal?

I'm big on transparency and learning from each other - even if it's just among a small gathering or a few friends. So, on our FB group page, I asked the ladies of my church for their input on the following situation: "You know those times you've held it together through a few things gone wrong in a few days' time, but then there's one more thing that goes wrong and it's one thing too many. And really crying - or at least throwing a fit - seems like the best option. But the problems are still there afterward...So where do you go from there? What are the things you think, read, say, and do that help you get back on track?" Myself and a few ladies responded with the following:

• Sometimes when we hit a bad day or thing we think we'll just push through and don't know there is possibly more [bad days or bad things] to come. So it's best to pray and be still about a "bad" day or situation immediately. Sometimes it's just that one thing that makes the rest look as bad as they do...and sometimes that first thing isn't even as bad as we think in the moment. Being still before God realigns us.

• We tend to push ourselves to hold it together and then we really lose it. Attitude is the first thing to go! Try to recognize what is happening and do some positive self talk to deal with it and not let it build up.

• It builds up because we try to keep everything in. We need to talk about what's going on out loud and get it all out and rest.

• After throwing a fit - cause sometimes that just happens - say out loud "Ok Lord, I can't fix this alone so you need to help me." Acknowledging out loud that we can't fix the issue and giving it to God then and there is needed because we know we can't fix it, but hold onto the possibility that we can anyway.

These make sense and I see the use of all of them, so I wanted to share the collective wisdom of my friends in helping to relieve bad days and situations that get out of control. While I've collected their advice and pondered the way "bad days" get out of control in the couple weeks since my bad weekend, I came across another amazing help in such situations - this one more of a prevention than a cure. This past weekend I attended Ohio Ministry Network's Time Apart (a women's conference) in Columbus, Ohio. We had an amazing speaker on Saturday, Dr. Alicia Britt Chole, who spoke from her various writings, among them newly published The Sacred Slow. She and her husband have spent thirty years mentoring people in growing deeper roots in their walk with God. And her final point of the afternoon on Saturday hit home for me on this topic I'd been writing and thinking upon.

Her last point was simply titled "Live in the Plural." She says that when it comes to self-talk (conversations we have with ourselves - about ourselves - in our heads), we need to shift from thinking "I" to "we." In theological reality, we are never alone. We say that God is always with us; therefore, it is never an "I" who is doing and thinking, but a "we" - Jesus and I. Dr. Chole states that, "Every moment of every day is a moment to abide in Jesus. You need to think and live as we - 'Jesus and I.'"

Her point in this is that such thinking will affect how you talk about yourself and others when Jesus is involved. We may not have a problem looking in the mirror and saying, "I look so ugly today." But, as believers, if we are thinking and living in the plural, we find it difficult to say, "Jesus and I look so ugly today." We have no problem looking at others and thinking, "What is her problem?" But if we are thinking in the plural, it becomes more difficult to criticize by thinking, "What is her and Jesus' problem?"

That weekend when I realized I'd have to redo my work I was thinking, "My time is wasted and I don't know how I'll find time to redo it." If my mindset had been "we," the thought would have been, "Mine and Jesus' time is wasted and I don't know how either Jesus or I will find the time redo it." And at that moment, it would've all turned around before getting out of control. I mean really, is Jesus' time ever wasted and is it impossible for Jesus to find the time to redo something? Thinking in the plural in that moment would've turned me to Jesus immediately, lifting up my problem and moving on. (As it turns out, on Monday I had an idea to fix my problem and a co-worker in charge of the new program helped me fit my work into the new format required. No real extra work or time required. All that fret and the following days of misery for nothing?)

Live in the plural! Jesus is always with you and so nothing you think, do, or say is on your own. Placing Jesus directly alongside you in your every thought, word, and deed is a good way to do as His Word says in Romans 12:2 to "be transformed by the renewing of your mind." Cures are good, they are needed, but isn't prevention the best course to take when we can?!

Old Things New

Brandon and I this year,at the 171st 
Canfield Fair. Every year I feel it's probably
romantic to ride the Ferris Wheel together...
and every year after getting on I realize I hate
the Ferris Wheel and swear not to ride it again.

Two years ago, my husband and I went to the 169th Annual Canfield Fair, a local fair that has been going on for, well at that point, 169 years. It's the full deal: good food that's oh so bad for you; rickety rides; rip-off games; farm animal shows and competitions; craft competitions; tractor displays; demolition derby; Grand Stand concerts; and pony rides. I'm sure I've missed something, but you get the idea.

Fair time has meant "date" time for us the past couple years.

This fair has obviously been running my whole life and is a stalwart tradition in the lives of just about everyone in the area - even after people move away, they often come back for the fair. Two years ago was the first time my husband and I had been to the fair without our kids. At that time they were 16, 14, and 10 1/2 and had gone with friends at different times instead. I remember the day well because it was my birthday too and we had fun, but it was also the beginning of a transition for us - a time when family outings no longer meant all five of us. And as most transitions are, it was a little bit sad.

This year, two years later, I debated going to the fair because unexpected expenses had come along during the summer and my school work had already piled up, but when my son wanted to go I took heed of the check in my spirit that said, "Remember last time? Who knows if you'll ever go with your kids again, if not now." Indeed, both of our daughters had already gone with friends on different days. So my husband and I headed off with him on the last day of the fair.

Not even 100 feet inside the gate, my son's friends come walking along and he announces they're going to go "hang out." We give him some money and he heads off to the barns where his friends keep their animals...because what can you say to a twelve-year-old boy whose whole excitement of life is wrapped up in this moment of a couple of hours with friends in a place of independence that makes him feel like a man (even if a little one, at that).

As he walks away I realize this was planned and I realize the disappointment of losing the time I thought we'd have with him that day. Also, that it seems my sacrifice of time and money (spent on my husband and me to be there) wasn't even necessary. My husband and I exchange little laughs about the situation and head off to run the route of the fair we run every year - first up, the Baby Animal Barn, known for its petting zoo appeal.

We walk in, petting the animals that look friendly enough to pet, until I come across a peacock. He's sitting with his fan-like tail closed, but thrust behind him in all its smooth perfection and color. And I can't help but stop and stare...and snap a picture between the links of the fence. He's amazing. Yet, it's weird - it's not like I've never seen a peacock before - but in that moment I am somewhat awestruck. It's a funny thing about life - that the everyday events, things, and people of life can one day change before your eyes. Or maybe it's not that they change, but you do. 

Walking to the end of the lane, with a little duck cradled in my hands, I recall the Sunday a few weeks before where I had my head bowed throughout the beginning of worship and when I looked up it was as if I'd pulled my head out of a hole and suddenly certain people stood out to me and things looked different - more clear. Life had changed drastically in my own head that week before and I knew this was a sign that I would have to change the way I carried myself in that new knowledge. Knew right then and there that letting go of my previous focuses would be difficult and even painful, but that the change must happen to fulfill the purpose God calls all believers to.

Perhaps, this too is part of it? If I am a new creation, if a stirring change takes place and continues to grow, then doesn't it follow that my perspective shift will see old things as new? Everything we saw that day was wondrous to me. We even came across a floral barn, where people had entered single flowers they'd grown themselves for competition - a mass of perfection in color and design. I don't recall ever seeing it before. How had I not known or remembered this was here? I love doing landscaping!

We pet every horse we saw, fed them straw, laughed at the silly ducks, and smiled at the wily and cuddly goats. We walked through almost every single display barn - packed with the goodness of the talents and abilities of the people of our home. We sat on a bench with our fair food and continued to sit long after, watching people walk by. And the presence of life was awe inspiring. And to think I almost missed it, all because I'd allowed my focus to shift back to the old - the worry of the day instead of its possible glory. Lord, continue to give us eyes and ears that recognize your glory and are awestruck in the moments you give.

Birthday Love

I'd say, especially yourself!
Source: Instagram @david.c.cook

"Our decisions, our relationships, and our preferences in large part stem from what we say to ourselves about ourselves." Ruth Graham

And what is it you have said to yourself about yourself ? 

I'm not enough, smart enough, able enough, good enough...

I'm not loved, understood, wanted, needed...

I don't measure up, understand, have what it takes...

I can't get it right, be what others need me to be, do what I should...

I am alone, too different, too intense/shy...

I've never made a big deal about my birthday and it hit me this birthday why not. Because of the things I've said to myself about myself over the years. The list above probably looks familiar - most of us have felt or thought similar things about ourselves at some point - but I've thought some of these things on a regular basis for most of my adult life. I allowed the results of wrong decisions I made as an 18-year-old dictate everything I thought I knew about myself for the twenty years that followed. 

In her book Me, Myself & Lies: What To Say When You Talk To Yourself, Jennifer Rothschild states that, "The words we say go straight to the core of our being. They shape the way we think about ourselves. They influence our emotions and our decisions. They resurface in our conversations with other people. They can spur us on to live meaningful, productive lives, or they can make us not even want to get out of bed!" The sentiment is biblically based too - Proverbs 23:7 states, "For as he thinks within himself, so he is" (NASB). I had basically convinced myself at some point that I wasn't worthy of celebration. 

The more I've thought about it, the more convinced I am that this has gone beyond birthday celebrations though and I've found myself in a weird middle ground. I try to work behind the scenes or within a comfortable group of people. Yet, at the same time, I have little fear of speaking up and speaking out and who doesn't like the chance to do big things and be recognized here and there? I believe there is a disconnect between what I am able to do and what I am comfortable doing because of the way I've spoken negatively to myself over the years. I long to charge forward in a big way,  but only after I'm sure no one's looking. I've stalled my own boat, so to speak. The car is in gear, but I'm riding the brakes.

But this year things have changed. I feel differently than I have before about all kinds of things - especially myself. My time spent in God's Word, prayer, personal Bible studies, etc., has slowly reshaped my thought process. I'm stepping into leadership positions and making dreams come true, as well as stepping out of old mindsets and comfort zones - picking it all up as it comes with prayer and without overthinking. God gave me a verse at the beginning of 2017 that has come back to me on numerous occasions: "...I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well" Psalm 139:14 (Click here for more about this). I've seen more and more that I am how God intended me to be, so I need to learn to accept me and use what I've been given to make this life effective for Him. Otherwise, I'm wasting precious time and opportunities not standing by those whom I would be involved with if I weren't so busy holding myself down.

It has come about slowly, but I think it's picking up speed...this ability to love and accept myself. I've noticed in the past couple years even I've felt excited for my birthday, even though I didn't always make plans or spend it in any special way. I figure between this year and next, that gives me two years to get myself prepared for a super 40th birthday celebration! I will also (hopefully) be very close to finishing my PhD at that point and just months away from my 20th wedding anniversary, so I'm telling my husband and friends I have big expectations for "specialness" to happen!

But for now, do me a favor...look yourself in the eye in the mirror today, smile big, and say, "I am fearfully and wonderfully made; His works are wonderful. I am who I am because He has a plan that gives me a purpose. And I can love myself because He loves me, as I am, more than enough."

Then go into your day in strength of His promise. 

My Whole Being Waits

source: Instagram @elizabethlaingthompson

Hey everyone! I hope whatever this week has brought you, that above all your eyes have stayed on Jesus. It's been a weird week. The week began and continued to be bittersweet and filled with tears over our friends, the Bowers, moving to SC. I was able to keep it together with them all evening Wednesday at church (their last evening with us), until we drove away and it became very real to me that we would no longer see them as we please. What can you do with the kind of hurt that wells up as a physical ache in your chest?

This was also the first week back to school for me and with some new things in place for teachers and a new grade level for me to convert to our use of technology throughout the year, it crushed me. I've worked nonstop from the moment I walked into the building until the moment I've left. (Yesterday I made myself eat lunch without working and today took lunch to talk with all of you.) I napped after school the first two days and sat like a lump yesterday evening. My Kent classes start next week and I just wonder how I'll find the self-motivation and energy to make it through the next 39 weeks. 

And then there's just life in my head. What I know God has for me to do now, what I think is in process, and what I wonder it is all leading to in the future. And as my thoughts jumble over each other at any given time, my emotions begin to frustrate as well and I can feel them trying to take me down. My attitude changes in my head and in moments I become petty and even snippy with those around me. Even when it's good stuff, too many thoughts in too many places is overwhelming.

But today ladies, today I awoke to a reminder in Psalms 130:5 "I wait for the Lord, my whole being waits, and in his word I put my hope." In reading the Word daily, in staying in prayer, in worshiping, in weekly fasting, in surrounding ourselves with a Christian support system, we wait - or remain - in Jesus and we find our hope. A friend recently gave me advice in a hard moment to take it one day at a time, don't look so far ahead. And now I add to it that not only does one day at a time take away the overwhelming aspect, but in taking it one day at a time, we can better wait on the Lord. 

And suddenly my week looks differently. The bittersweet tears over the Bowers's departure becomes somewhat momentary in the fact that future visits are already planned and technology will keep my family and I in touch with them as always. And I'm reminded of the blessing just to have them in my life and to keep in touch so easily.

I realized this morning that I've hit very few snags in my work at school this week - technology has cooperated and free trials of programs and apps have allowed me to transfer from old technology to new as easy as can be (there's just a lot to transfer). I have SO much done in preparation for the next month. So much done during work hours that I didn't have to take much work home and the naps, laying around, and time with my family didn't mean other work was going undone. I came to work today feeling ready to go in the days to come. And my Kent classes? Two semesters of actual classes left - there's a light at the end of the tunnel and the fact that I managed it last year. One day at a time.

And my thoughts...the redirection in other matters has redirected my thoughts as well. I am content with now. Do what God has for now - spend time where and with whom God says, speak and write as God leads, do the best in the roles which God has currently ordained. Record away the upcoming he has given for later reference and don't worry about months and years in advance. If I can't wait in and live in and learn from NOW, God's future plans for me are delayed anyway and I'm left in a longer wait than even He intended. 

Being present where God has you now - especially if it's a season of waiting or transition season - is the only way to be. Wait in him and you will find your hope. And that hope will alter your perspective in all that goes on around you. 

New Purpose - Living On Purpose

Hey everyone! I am writing today to officially switch over the name and purpose of this blog. I started my blog as Keep Inspired in July 2012 as a way to keep up some writing practice, thinking I'd focus on writing. I found I could only write so much about writing and within six months, changed the name of my blog to My Life in Books, which it has remained as for the last four and a half years. Recently, I started writing more about things that have come up in life and I wrote in order to process them. There was very little to do with actual books, so I started calling myself Keep Inspired again on social media. Overall, I just wasn't satisfied with the name. It didn't say all I wanted it to say; it wasn't intentional enough.

So, after some thought, I've decided to keep this blog to maintain my previous work, but change the name and purpose. Even the URL and contact email are new! Mostly this is a time factor. This idea didn't come to me until the busy end of the summer. Also, with my teaching and college courses starting one after the other in the next two weeks, I don't have time to learn a new venue and completely create a new blog. I actually started to, but then felt I was creating unnecessary stress for myself.

So here we are. Living On Purpose is the new name and blogging about life as it comes to me is the new game. If you've been around the blog in the past year, you've noticed I write fully within my Christian beliefs. As the basis for everything in my life, who I am, what I say and do, it's non-negotiable. But I've had comments made by readers that even without the same beliefs, they can see what I'm getting at. So I hope my blog can be a place where transparently living on purpose offers hope, encouragement, and love.

Hope you will join me!

The Struggle is Real...and Good

Back in February I wrote about a particularly hard week and weekend I had, but unsure of my take on things and with my busy school schedules, I delayed posting and then just didn't. I reread it recently and I feel the same about what I wrote. And I've continued to experience it - brought to tears and the end of myself in the months since as God continues His work in me. So I left it as is from February 2017:

Ever have those times where life feels - heck, you feel - like a complete mess? Maybe there are external factors such as sickness, finances, or relationships involved, but with or without external factors, there is likely roller coaster emotions. You feel good one minute and then find yourself free falling toward sadness, despair, hurt and/or anger, maybe feeling helpless and hopeless. You find a pick me up or make some progress, but within days or a week later you've fallen off track again. Even if you like roller coasters, this one threatens to make you sick.

No? It's just me? Well, just in case someone else out there understands, know I've been there too. I'm there now, and I'll likely find myself here again in the future. Because only one thing in this life is consistent: change. Usually, if you're human, change brings with it struggle. Even though change is always around us, sometimes our lives hit seasons of greater or more change, and the struggle is more than a hashtag, the struggle IS real.

We know journeys and seasons of life change us...how could they not? And isn't that the point on more than one level? But "knowing" and "knowing from experience" are two different things. My sister for example, who knows my birth stories well, right after having her first child recently, asked me, "Why did you do this three times?!" (She was still a little out of it at that point.) She'd heard all the gruesome details about birth, she'd read articles, watched videos, gone to Lamaze classes...but none of them could prepare her as fully as the actual experience of giving birth.

I find more and more that I'm faced with this difference between knowing change happens and experiencing change - I'm strangely aware of myself now as I haven't been before. We are taught to know that God is making us like Him, but what do we know from experience? God has newly opened my eyes to moments where my tone of voice is off, my words don't glorify him, my intentions are not right, my insecurities and fears are carrying me away, I am being prideful, etc. Realizing these moments - knowing they've been a part of me for awhile - I wonder how I still have a husband and friends?!

That mantra for the past month - the struggle is real - drove me to prayer and to seek support. After a particularly difficult week that moved into a harder weekend, where I felt like nothing but a mess, I found myself revealing the horrible feeling to my husband and a friend. Both encouraged me greatly with truth, that things are not what they seem (thank God for husbands and best friends). The enemy whispers lies, blows things out of proportion, creates despair, and robs us of what God gives; God gives abundant life (John 10:10). Keeping this in mind helps us determine from which source we are receiving in any given moment...I had been listening to the wrong side more often than not that week.

That Sunday, with the swells of "How Great Thou Art" reverberating around the sanctuary, I whispered a prayer of thanks to God for just being who He is. And without thought the next words slipped from my lips, "Thank you for the struggle." Somewhat surprised at my words, the explanation whispered into my mind - it is because of His sacrifice that we do not struggle in vain. With Him we have the ability to struggle and with struggle we have the ability to find Him. We cannot become like Jesus without drawing close to Him. Drawing close brings about a change of heart. And change of heart often brings struggle.

But take heart, there's a purpose. In John 15:1-5 Jesus states, "I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful. You are already clean because of the word I have spoken to you. Remain in me, as I also remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me. I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing." (NIV)

Cut off - ouch! And why prune what is already producing fruit? Is that really necessary? It makes one wonder, why prune fruit trees? Turns out, pruning fruit trees allows more sunlight and air to reach all parts of the tree, which focuses a tree's strength on the good branches that will bear and support even more fruit than it has already. Since fruit trees are all about the production of fruit, pruning is the successful means to that end.

Not always, but often our struggles hurt because they are evidence of God's pruning. If we are the branches remaining (or abiding) in Christ, He is not going to leave us as we are. He sees our potential, He knows what He has for us, and He is going to change us accordingly. He does so with precision, a step at a time, but it is up to us to remain in Him through the process. The struggle is real, but it is good.

Praying the Psalms, a Review

Source: NetGalley

Praying the Psalms: Growing Emotionally Closer to God and Those You Love, by Rick Stedman
Publisher: Harvest House Publishers
Publication date: October 1, 2016
Category: Christian, nonfiction, motivational
Source: I received this galley from NetGalley for consideration of a review.

Rick Stedman has written a series of books on prayer, the latest a teaching on how to pray the Psalms of the Bible. Early on in his book he gives a good description of what this entails and the benefits he sees in learning to pray the Psalms: "The Psalms are not church-lady approved, sanitized prayers. They are real, edgy, and authentic—even violent at times. In praying the Psalms, we learn to face our deepest hopes, hurts, and fears and to bring them to God in brutally honest prayer. We learn to identify and express a wide range of emotions, while at the same time keeping those emotions from ruling our lives. We learn how to handle hate and anger, overcome guilt and sorrow, and experience grace and mercy. After all, the only place to learn these skills is within real relationships, which is very clever of God. In the process, we find intimacy with God, deeper community with others, and—in what is perhaps the biggest surprise of all—we discover our very selves."

He provides a four step method for praying the Psalms, which consists of finding emotional words while reading a Psalm aloud, journaling the words in connection to personal experience, and formulating prayers from there. Stedman then spends a good portion of the book working through the first ten Psalms as examples of this practice. A number of word lists wrap up the book - emotional words found by certain categories to help you find Psalms that may be more relevant at a certain time.

For anyone looking for a new way to pray - and specifically to pray using the Bible - Rick Stedman's book is what you are looking for.

The God Who Sees Me

In my posting last week, I found this post - written and ready to publish - sitting as a draft on my dashboard. I wrote it the week after Mother's Day and forgot to post it. Can't let a post go to waste, and even though Mother's Day was a month ago, the beauty of the moment hasn't faded. So here it is.


It's no secret that motherhood is hard. From the first days home, new moms find out they really didn't know the extent of the responsibility, hard work, or absolute love. And even though the workload of motherhood is not a secret, we live as if it is.

The Saturday before Mother's Day 2017, my great day ended a little bit in the dumps. At the end of a long week and dealing with the unique stress of parenting teenagers, with thoughts of what Mother's Day is all about swirling in my head, I felt unnoticed and unappreciated as a mother. Not guilty over what I do and don't do - simply unnoticed for what I do. It is perhaps the biggest sacrifice of motherhood, to continue on whether or not anyone seems to notice or appreciate your efforts. 

In an effort to ease these feelings, my husband posted a sweet picture of us and our great day together that Saturday to social media. Honestly though, by then my long week and stress were joined by the comparison trap - myself to others. Knowing this kind of thinking takes me nowhere but down has never stopped me from following the spiral previously, but somewhere in a corner of my mind I paused to whisper a five second prayer, "God show me I'm noticed." Because in a world where we are all aching to be noticed in some way, Truth says there is One who always notices, whether we feel it in the moment or not. 

By Sunday morning quite a few posts had popped up on social media feeds, some people I barely know, detailing acknowledgement of mothers for everything they do and everything they are. Of course, we love to see such women acknowledged, but mixed with our admiration, we need to be aware of feeding the comparison trap as well. The best way to combat something so strong is to make the choice to step out in front of it, put your foot down, and say, "This will proceed no further." Already a step ahead of myself in taking the thought and feeling captive, wanting my loved ones to know I appreciate all they do as moms, I had filled out cards, mailed personalized notes, and sent messages a few days before Mother's Day. As God has aptly shown me in the past year, and to paraphrase Ann Voskamp, to live in your brokenness - given out to others - is to allow God to turn your brokenness to good, to perhaps even heal your own brokenness.

Getting ready to attend my sister's church for her son's baby dedication the morning of Mother's Day, I received a text from my 15-year-old daughter to make sure I come into the house when I pick them up at grandma's (where they had spent the night). I told her daddy was coming, I was still getting ready, and why did she need me to come anyway? Her reply: It's for Mother's Day.

I showed up to my daughter and a beautiful, body length blanket she had stayed up until 4am - working six hours - to make for me for Mother's Day. I had gone to bed at 3am after my husband and I spent 12 hours away, driving our oldest home from a prom she attended an hour and a half away, quite mindful of that crazy bedtime hour with so much going on the next day. And here, my younger daughter had stayed up even later than that, sacrificing for me in the moment I was sacrificing for someone else?! The absolute feeling of being loved washed over me. The fabric is a heavy, ultra soft fleece - combining my love of warm blankets and dachshunds all at once. Plus, my mother-in-law had not only taken her to the store, but also purchased the materials needed for it to happen. Double the love.

And it hit me while singing "I surrender all..." in church half an hour later, God had heard my five second prayer the night before. I had sent it up in a quick moment, with barely the faith of a mustard seed and little thought of it afterward, and it came back to me in complete blessing. My child noticed me. My husband gave me a beautiful card - he had noticed me.

At lunch that afternoon I received a card from my sister, a new mother celebrating her first Mother's Day. It began with the words, "You might feel like no one notices..." and had a hand written note inside praising me and stating admiration that just blew me away. I struggled not to cry in my seat as I read it. I gave her a hug, told her the card was perfect, and spent a good meal with my family, loving on my nephew.


Back home after lunch, my youngest and only son approached me with a hand made and perfectly worded (all by himself!) Mother's Day card...complete with a stuffed dachshund (notice a pattern here?). The stuffed animal had been hidden in his closet for a month, waiting for today. Grandma helped him plan it.


Dinner was spent at a local Hibachi place with my in-laws, their treat. What a great meal, filled with laughter, and some of the precious little time we are all together at once. Complete with a beautiful card claiming things about me that I don't always believe about myself from my niece and nephew. A friend of mine, who didn't know of my specific feelings as a mother at the moment, but knew the challenges the weekend presented with my kids, schedule, and other conflicts, checked in with me a couple times to see how the days and events had gone. To top if off, my oldest daughter and I made it through a whole weekend of events we would potentially fight about without fighting! Even when I messed up her graduation invitations by forgetting to put the date and had to affix the date to each invite with an obviously added-on label made by a label-maker.

By the end of the day, so much unexpected love and appreciation had been poured upon me from my family; but, I'm unsure some of them realize exactly what they did for me. What I do know is today was more than the usual Mother's Day. Mother's Day up until now had been like any other day for me. I've received cards and gifts on past Mother's Days, so how was this one so different?

In my heart, I knew I was noticed. By the end of the day, it was more than just my family who noticed, it was God. I didn't try to find or manipulate anything or anyone for attention, I handed over the negative feeling, and I asked for Him to show me I was noticed and He made it abundantly clear that He had seen me all along. So clear that all the public posts in the world boasting praise of my motherhood couldn't compare. What else matters when you know in your heart God sees you? When you know the very people who make you a mother, wife, daughter, sister, and best friend see you.


"She gave this name to the Lord who spoke to her: 'You are the God who sees me,' for she said, 'I have now seen the One who sees me.'" Genesis 16:13

My nephew Maximus

Quietness and Trust

Source: Pinterest.com

This past Wednesday turned into a day where one thing after another (both big and small) went wrong like a snowball effect and made me come a little undone. The day had started out beautifully, but by dinner time I was pacing around, unable to sit or focus, annoyed beyond belief at the the accumulation of stupid stuff that had ruined my day. And worse, I couldn't escape it because where I went, there too was the anger and frustration.

The next day, Thursday morning, I read Isaiah 30 and verse 15 leapt from the page: "This is what the Sovereign LORD, the Holy One of Israel, says: 'In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength, but you would have none of it.'" Quietness + Trust = Strength, but indeed I would have none of it the day before. How many times has God pointed me to "be still and know" in the past year? To quiet myself and trust in His strength to fight for me, for my day, for my situation, etc. Yet, I continue trying to put my life back together on my own, causing more frustration.

Because Thursday I woke up to a new day, where the problems of yesterday were taken care of in part and the things still there didn't seem like mountains, but the molehills they actually were. Which means my upset of Wednesday accomplished nothing but ruining my mood and my day. If I had slowed, prayed, and trusted, how differently might my day have gone? And how silly to look back and see what upset me. Only one thing of the whole day was worth being upset about and even then, that problem was taken care of in the end.

And so I repent and rest in this truth, urging myself and everyone willing to hear God's call in this verse, to continue learning and living the art of abiding. To be quiet (still) and trust (know) that God's strength will pull us through. But it takes our choosing to stop and challenge the torrent running through our heads with trust in God's strength to be our own. At some point we have to muster the faith to take that trust-powered stand.

Me, Myself, and Lies

Source: Amazon.com

Me, Myself, & Lies (for Young Women), by Jennifer Rothschild
Publisher: Harvest House Publishers
Publication date: April 11, 2017 (for Young Women on May 1, 2017)
Category: Christian, nonfiction
Source: I received this galley from NetGalley in consideration for review.

Sometimes a book's title says it all. Me, Myself, & Lies, by Jennifer Rothschild, speaks to the issue of negative self-talk. Lies we tell ourselves about ourselves - things that are essentially untrue. For example, you are not an idiot for forgetting to bring your grocery list to the store - you are human and humans make mistakes. Seems trivial? Science has proven that repeated actions burn new neural pathways in our brains. So years of accusing yourself or calling yourself names on even the "silly" level definitely sets you up to feel like and live like a failure in the end.

Rothschild references a well known quote I have on a plaque in my classroom. Although she quotes it with a different wording, my plaque reads:

Ultimately, the things we think about ourselves will form who we are. Yes, we may be successful in different areas in life, but your success does not define you. Proverbs even states that "For as he thinks within himself, so he is” (23: 7 NASB). To quote Rothschild directly, "In other words, the way you live is a reflection of the way you think."

Source: NetGalley.com

Rothschild describes our minds as though closets and the thoughts as clothing we can choose to put on and take off. We must choose to take off the negative comments, relabel them with God's truth, and wear the truth instead. For example, you are not an idiot, you are beloved. The edition of this book for young women speaks to specific issues and examples pertaining to teenagers and young adults. Here she provides seven must-have "pieces" needed for your thought closet: daily maintenance, hope, water, memory, chill, perseverance, and heart. Each of the seven pieces is broken down in categories that deal with issues of anger, control, feelings, identity, and many more.

Overall, these books provide step by step guidance in fixing your thought process and guiding your mind onto a better pathway. A great resource for those who have wandered how to apply the well known verse that instructs us to, "take every thought captive to obey Christ" (2 Corinthians 10:5).

Out of the Box Summer

A couple weeks ago, I finished my first year of my PhD with straight A's. I went straight from finishing my college semester to focusing on finishing my school year as a teacher, which meant grading 86 research papers and teaching one more book in the remaining three weeks of May. Happy to say I finished the last of those papers today and besides another day and half of classes, I am free!

Well, free of my full time job for a few months, but not free from the ebb and flow of life. Next week will lead me straight into planning the rest of my daughter's graduation party: ordering food, making decorations, and putting together picture collages. She's a full time college student next fall and our relationship will begin to change. I don't know how to navigate it all quite yet, but I'm desperate to find a decent balance of parent she still needs and the friend I will eventually fully become.

The party at the end of June will give way to a few days of taking care of our friends' two boys while they are away on a trip. Bringing my two younger kiddos as back up, of course. Triple teaming them ensures we all come out alive and happy! Haha! I am looking forward to getting to know the boys better. The past year has definitely taken a toll on my connections to my close friends' families and I feel I've missed some milestones.

A week later, my husband and I are off to Israel for ten days. This is a trip of a lifetime for more than one reason. First of all, it's a pilgrimage for us - to walk where Jesus walked. I am expecting big things - to come back refreshed, fulfilled, and ready with a new word for my path. Second, my husband and I have never been on a trip together, not even a honeymoon. Although we'll be traveling with a mix of friends and new acquaintances, our kids won't be there and the evenings will be ours to do as we please. I get nervous when my kids take simple trips away, so this will be a challenge even as it is a dream come true. Third, besides Canada, we've never been out of the country. Besides a one hour flight to Chicago, we've never spent any significant amount of time on a plane. This is the Middle East! The flight is nonstop eleven hours one way! This trip tests everything I've said I would never do, because leaving the comfort and familiarity of home challenges me on every level - physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. Yet, even in my most nervous moments, I feel the desperate tug to go. 

Two weeks after returning from Israel, my children and I are meeting friends just outside of Myrtle Beach, SC where we all rented a beach house for the first week of August. My husband just started a new job and they so graciously gave him unpaid time for the Israel trip (which he shouldn't have received), so he won't be going on the beach trip with us. I travelled once before without him, chaperoning our church's youth group to Ocean City, MD. But this feels crazy. The trip was meant to be one more family trip, as our oldest daughter's schedule will change more drastically as a full time college student next year. So in that vein, it makes sense to be upset my husband won't be there. But, this is how in a box I have kept my life: I can't fathom that I am driving my kids all the way down there myself...my husband always does the driving. I'm going to have family vacation photos without him in them? I can't fathom that I am spending an actual vacation without my husband...he's my comfort in my out of the box situations.

The week we get back from the beach, I go back to in-service days for teaching, my students come the following week, and my next PhD semester follows the week after that. And the crazy begins again...not that it's stopping over summer to begin with.

I typically don't like this much busyness...I likes gaps of break time between events. But this year is different. These events are all amazing and special in some way. They are all extremely personal to me for different reasons, but also for the same reason - I have to step out of my box and trust God. It's almost like someone planned it out for me - a summer of out of the box living. All of these events usher in endings that also serve as beginnings. One thing is sure - I won't make it to the end of the summer the same person I began it as.

When a Girl Chooses to Realize...

In November I wrote a post called "Set Apart,"in which I discussed how my journey into my PhD often felt like because I had to give up things, or things changed on me, that I was being set aside. Yet, through prayer, Bible reading, and great encouraging Christian writers (namely Lysa Terkeurst in this case), I knew there was more to it. That I wasn't being set aside, but set apart for God's greater purpose. 

Here, now, with my first full year of my PhD officially wrapped up (and the second semester easier than the first), the feeling of being set aside continues to pop up...it has become much more personal and has been an impossibly hard thing that, mixed with my insecurities and worry, has tried to take me down. Besides feeling left out, there is nothing quite like looking in on something from the outside when you used to be the one on the inside. Especially when you didn't realize quite how on the outside you had become. I know there will never be a time where we are completely free of such trials and challenges, but I'd hoped to have made an inroad on this particular challenge by now.

It's glorious to think that in the midst of heartache, God has a purpose and calling for it. To think that the things we feel left out of may just serve to set us apart so we can prepare for a new purpose. But in the moment it just seems impossible...how in the world can this feeling mean good things on the horizon?

Today, as I experienced this yet again, in the midst of an otherwise happy day, Lysa TerKeurst's original phrase came to me in the aftermath of feelings:

"There is something wonderfully sacred that happens when a girl chooses to realize that being 'set aside' is actually God's call for her to be 'set apart.' This is true.

To be set aside is to be rejected. To be set apart is to be given an assignment that requires preparation.

Embrace the preparation. And remember you are set apart, beautiful one. Chosen. Adored. And reserved for a high and holy calling."

I've read those words so many times - I have "set apart" tattooed on my arm to remind me for goodness' sake! But let me tell you, you can tattoo yourself into a rainbow of beautiful, catchy phrases and reminders, but it will mean nothing until God sinks it into your heart. 

As I drove away with a wrench in my heart, replaying the hurt, Terkeurst's words running through my mind, it hit me. The key words in TerKeurst's phrase aren't "set apart" - the key words are "when a girl chooses to realize..." 

The set apart piece is God's truth - it is what it is. But I have to choose to believe and trust in that truth to activate it in my life or I will go nowhere with it. If I do not stand up and literally choose to believe and trust, the hurt will continue to hurt and the next time will feel worse, and the time after that will be devastating. And the moment will come again - there's always a next time. Choice is the key - choosing to stop, take a deep breath, state what you know to be true, and pray. The next time, the hurt will be less and it will be easier to choose, and maybe a few times after that the situation will cease to wreck my heart at all...because I will know that I am not set aside, but set apart. 

So today, with the stinging still in my heart, I am choosing to believe I am not set aside, but that I am set apart. I trust that, that place I used to inhabit, but now feel set aside from, will come to serve a fresh and new purpose in the future God is shaping for me. And if not, that I have served that place and people well in the time God chose for me to inhabit it.

He who has eyes to see, let him see and he who has ears to hear, let him hear.

#setapart #higheranddeeper #koinonia #eucharisteo #nothingtolose #everythingtogain

Rhythms of Rest

Source: shellymiller.com

Rhythms of Rest: Finding the Spirit of Sabbath in a Busy World, by Shelly Miller
Publisher: Bethany House Publishers
Publication date: October 4, 2016
Category: nonfiction, Christian, motivational, How-to/self-help
Source: I received this galley from NetGalley for consideration of a review.

Rest. Seems it's not easy to come by these days if you have any semblance of a life. Church, family, friends, work, school, fun, hobbies, domestic chores (from major repairs to laundry)...the list just doesn't end. Rest is like an elusive fairy tale, something from a long gone era. Who has time for that, as much as we want to?

Yet, it's a commandment - to observe the Sabbath and keep it holy (Exodus 20:8). This tells me two things: it is possible and it is needed. So how does Sabbath look in the lives of 21st century Christians?

Alongside biblical commandments, that "to-do" list above probably makes it obvious why I took interest in Rhythms of Rest - I know I need it and can't quite figure how to find it. In the past year of readjusting my schedule for schooling, I have come across a few moments where I chose rest over work and it proved beneficial, but I would like to make this a consistent way of life.

Among the first things Miller makes clear is that rest looks differently among individuals. And even for one individual, "rhythms shift while remaining focused on what is most important." As much as most of us love routine for its ease and predictability, your rest is a rhythm that will not necessarily stay the same from one week to the next. Perhaps this is why we find rest so hard to do - it lacks routine. But good news, rest is scientifically proven: "A plethora of studies show that the brain requires alternating periods of structured work followed by unstructured rest in order to maximize function." So right way, we need to forget the guilt factor - there aren't rules, just the need for rest.

Another point Miller touches on is that the idea of Sunday as the one rest day doesn't apply as it did before. Rest is any time of any day in which we take time to relax from our work, at times to spend it in solitude, or with family, friends, or God. Sabbath gives us a break to stop, clear our minds, and relinquish control:

"When the mind is focused entirely a problem, we lose sight of God’s place within it. We pit ourselves against all the details as if the problem is ours to conquer immediately. Anxious and tense, we can wrongly assume that unless we achieve total victory, we will lose the battle and defeat will be our legacy. Sabbath provides space between you and your problems, enabling you to see from God’s perspective, often with surprising results, like a word breaking through your questions about life and awakening you to something more important. God is always near, but we often dismiss his powerful presence in the midst of pain and hardship."

Rest is not just for the purpose of regaining energy to hop back into the busyness - it's for the purpose of recollecting ourselves and going back into our schedules truly refreshed and perhaps even with new Godly perspective. And let's face it - none of us can go nonstop and make it through at our best.

Hopefully, you are convinced that rest is a need at this point - it should be top of your "to-do" list! If so, pick up Miller's book for further discussion on how our rest is met with resistance and even sabotage, but how we can stop trying so hard and maximize our rest.